Revenge Of The Asura – A ROFL Thriller

Anirban & Arijit, Durgapuja, Humor, Movie, Story, Thriller

Sardar, kaise ho?’ Samba shrewdly asked.

The man in front of him is clearly disgusted, an unshaven face, clad in an army green shirt, and a talisman hanging from his neck. He opened his tobacco filled mouth and said,

Bahut khurach hai na tujhe? Ek goli tere khopri me bhi thok dena chahiye tha tab.’

Saying this Gabbar took his seat. It’s been long since he was hiding in his closet, after fleeing from the jail few years ago. But this time he has to attend this meeting. It has been called upon with urgent priority; with a letter from none other than the President himself.

Now he is sitting at the end of a large oval table, in a dark hallroom. People are barely using the Writer’s Building these days, and as the whole city is busy in the festival, they found this place to be the most safe and secured, with no major pandal nearby, and most of the Lalbazar staffs are busy in other parts of the city, managing crowds.

Within the next hour, other people started showing up. All took their designated seats, but the president is still missing.

A sudden bouts of thumping announced his arrival, with a skin colour just a tone fairer than blackboard, eyes like ripe cherries, and the big bleeding wound on the left side of the chest. His attire is unmistakable, the Buffalo-Bill of India, Mahishasur.

Mahishasur is panting heavily, while wiping the sweat dripping from the forehead, he muttered ‘Damn these Bengalis, they’ll keep on pouring in pandals, with their wives ogling at my ripping muscles’.

‘I have to stay beneath her feet in the most acrobatically unsafe posture, can’t even flex my back a bit, this humiliation will never end, it comes back each year, just like my arthritis.’

‘This night I had a small window when they covered the idol after the Sandhi puja for few hours, and came running here.’

‘There is a reason why I’ve asked you guys to assemble. This room is now beaming with the best villains Asia has produced in last 1000 years. But you need to answer my one simple question.’

‘HOW DOES SHE DEFEAT US EVERY TIME??’

Old guy, sitting on his wheel chair with a catheter to drain the bladder, replied, ‘Mere paas is ka Uttar nahi hai Gurushree.’

Introducing Duryodhan, still suffering from a bad pelvic fracture sustained long ago.

He continues.

All that I had done was suitable for a Man only, to humiliate that woman.’

All Others in chorus, ‘Bravo! Bravo!’

Duryodhan:It was really fun disrobing that witch in front of everyone, but look what she did then, seduced that dumbass Bheem in such a way that he broke my hip into pieces, now I shit myself every now and then.’

Gabbar: ‘Apun ka halat bhi tera hi tarah hai kuch, wo ladki ko dekha to soncha kaunsa chakki ke atta kha ke bari hui hai! Fir climax me Viru ko marne hi wale the ke sala veja me khalbali mach gaya.’

‘Thaari ko thoda nachne ko kya bol diya, bassss! Chhokri aisi nachi ki sab gul ho gaya, aur mujhe thakur ka laat khana padha. Bahut nainsafi hai.

Duryodhan:Bhratashree, aapko yudh ki samay pe apni ipsa par kabu rakhna chahiye tha!’

Gabbar: Mera dhanda hi chaupat kar di sali ne. Suaar ke bachho yeh Ramgarh vaasio ki to….’

‘Yeiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkk……’

Everyone looked at the source of the sound, an old man was shaking in an epileptic fit. That went on for minutes, then few sprinkles of water and odour of Gabbar’s socks made him come to senses, and the very first words he said are:

‘Ye Ram ka naam mere samne mat lo doosht log.’

Once upon a time the richest king on earth, now a filthy beggar.

Mahishasur:Yes Raavan, I heard that you had a similar fate like Duryodhan.’

Raavan: ‘Hmm.. I feel the same way as Duryo brother. I am a man. I have desires. What I can not achieve I must steal!’

All others in Chorus, ‘Correct!!

Raavan:That’s what I did, and that woman then stole everything from me. A bloody monkey burnt my golden city, and that “bherua” Husband killed my son and chopped off all my heads.’

Mahishasur: All you stupid idiots, never tried to learn from my fate!’

‘Gabbu, your chhokri, only if you could thought of the name first, Basanti, that’s only her daughter riding a duck.’

‘Raavan and Duryodhan, your Sita and Gita, ah sorry, Droupadi. I’m pretty sure that they are her other forms. That cunning woman comes in many disguises and each time makes us fool. And that Ram specially worshipped Her to kill you Raavan.’

A tapping sound of fingertips is heard from the farthest corner of the table.

‘Oh Sir , abhi samaj me aya, mera sath bhi aisa hi kuch hua tha. Meri wali ki naam bhi Devi thi, Sridevi! Sonchta tha Hindusthan ki king banunga, invisible banunga. Par us Hawa-hawai ki kamina boyfriend mujhe is duniya se hi Hawa kar diya. Pehle log mere naam ke agey “Hail” bolta tha, abhi main khud Hell pe byatha hoon. Mogambo khush nehi huaaaaa!’

Sirji, Hami kuchhu bolite pari?’

Yes, Maganlal’ permitted Mahishasura.

Maganlal Meghraj:Oi Devir bahon hamar kimti cheej nukiye raklo, ar hami o Mr. Mittir er kache dhora pore gelum. Ee ta bhalo kotha na. Oi shorbot e vish dilei kaam tamam hoye jeto.

Talibaan: حنةىدذد ىةودرسر وةةذذذى وىببنحتل  اتمحخ٦. (Now we know, why we failed to kill that “MA-lala”)

Mahishasur: ‘The main culprit is none other than this woman with 10 hands, who keeps Aslan as her pet.’

‘Tomorrow is Navami, our last chance. Let’s be brave and show this woman that her place is on our feet, nor the other way round, but I would need your help.’

Gabbar: ‘Do haat katne pe PhD hai apun ka, abhi dus haat kat ke post-doc karna hai.’

Raavan: ‘I will give you my covert LTTE troup.’

Duryodhan: ‘You will have my 99 brothers, god bless our fertile father.’

Mogambo: ‘Mere sath Daga aur Teja rehega, wo skeleton kar dena wala pink acid bhi ek bottle launga.’

Taliban: ‘ لتسنمؤ تشتؤتةس هففب زىدلر’ (Interpreter was in toilet at that time, but it must have meant more bloods and beheading.)

Maganlal Meghraj: ‘Hami tumake Arjun dibo, knife throwing e ustad ache.’

Mahishasur: ‘That’s great boys! This time no one can stop us then, we will teach that….’

His motivational speech suddenly got interrupted by a middle aged man who banged the front door open.

Ek minute!

Mahishasura:Who the fuck are you?’

tumblr_m2jnraHo6E1qi5lu7o4_250

‘Sala amar catch-phrase ta ke apomaan korli? Kotha theke esechhis be tora? Ami local. Puro jaali maal. Naam Biswas. Bob Biswas. Amar state er against e conspiracy? Agei “Ek Minute” bole diechi. Aab goli kha.’

Mahishasura: ‘It’s our personal revenge to end the lifelong slavery. Please don’t involve yourself.’

Bob Biswas: ‘Maa arrives here for only 5 days and you guys are targeting to kill her! Do you know who rules here for remaining 360 days?’

All notorious villains in chorus, ‘Who? Who?’

Bob Biswas: ‘Listen to the sound from outside.’

A song is playing in nearby Traffic signal, and everyone is all ear to it.

” মাগো তুমি সর্বজনীন আছো হৃদয় জুড়ে , মা-আম্মি-মাদার একই ভুলি তা কি করে..”

(Music: Jeet Ganguly, Singer: Shreya Ghoshal, Lyrics: If you don’t know who, you better leave the State)

 

Epilogue:

– ‘C’mon guys. We’ll have to uncover the idol again quickly. People will start coming soon. Batul, climb up the ladder and unhook the curtain fast.’

Batul unhooked it and idol of Maa Durga is unveiled again.

– ‘WTF is that? Who did this? Is it a prank?’

 

PS: Two front page headlines in morning newspaper published.

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Author: Anirban Ghosh

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